don't be mistaken

"you were so distant

i forgot you were there at all"

                                - rupi kaur

i had been in love before you. i had been kissed before you. i had been held, caressed, and touched. however, you were my first sexual encounter, the thought of which horrifies me still today. i was a child when you introduced yourself to me and was still a child when you made excuses to leave a relationship even i knew was no longer worth saving. it wasn't love that kept me wishing and hoping you would come back. it was the excuses you made to leave. it was the lie that you wanted to spend more time with your family, that i was preventing that, which made me want you to stay. it was the blame that i had anything to do with the relationship you held with your parents and brothers that i wanted revoked. i did not want the loss revoked. i wanted to be set free without the guilt.

it wasn't you that i loved - it never was. it was me. it was the pride that I felt in the assumption that i inspired someone to work towards success. it was the relief i felt that I had someone to talk to when things irritated me, someone who would hold me when i felt the least bit lonely.

and when you became distant, i found a home in a group of friends that gave me the validation that i did not need you, nor did i want you. and when you had left, i found a home in myself.

i wish you did not flatter yourself in thinking that you had anything to do with why i was hurting. i was hurting because of the growing pains of becoming someone i could depend on. it had nothing to do with losing you, but rather losing a comfort.

and now, i can be my own comfort, my own strength, and my own love. and the grandest news of it all is... i can be all of this for myself and for the love that i discovered for a man who loves me.

4 years later

hi -

my last post was in august of 2014 and there weren't really too many posts prior. posts from the past are usually relatively interesting reads, as i have grown quite a lot since my first and my last post (which isn't saying much considering, again, there weren't too many posts).

since my last post, many things has happened, as one would imagine in a span of four years. key things are:

• graduated college
• landed a pretty great job at a pretty great organization (non-profit)
• moved out of my parents' house
• got married - to the same dude I was with since 2012 
• got three dogs
• am one year away from obtaining my Masters Degree in Project Management

i am now 26 years old and equally, or perhaps more so, confused about life and purpose as I was at 22. though, right now, instead of looking at what car I want to purchase, I'm looking at what condo I want to purchase & where. adulting. 

I'm thinking that I will be continuing this blog as a thought-vomit trash bin about the poetry I've been reading as of late until I decide to not do that anymore - either abruptly or announced. I don't know. I'm actually pretty surprised that this blog is still even alive. pleasantly, of course. 

I hope things have been well to the ghosts that have stumbled upon this blog. life has treated me with kindness, and I do wish that life has done the same favor for you all who have taken an interest in my thoughts. 

The Road to SoCal and the First Day

Road to SoCal
We ended up taking the scenic route (US101), which took us a total of 9 hours to get to Irvine, but that's okay. We stopped by Cal Poly SLO because Rogine wanted to check it out. It smelled like cow poop. But we took awesome pictures with our new pal, Einstein. Then we ate at a Mexican food truck thing. We got tacos.

We got to Irvine around 9PM and then my brother treated us out to Sake 2 Me all-you-can-eat sushi. It's one of my favorite places for AYCE sushi.

We headed back to my aunt's house and got comfty and showered and then we passed out.

First Day
So today, I woke up around 6AM because Nando gave me a good morning call and I couldn't go back to sleep. Rogine woke up around 9AM. We headed out to Long Beach around 11AM. We began to set my room up, which was SO much work... and hardly got a quarter of the job done, but it took us 4 hours-ish to do what we did.

I had a phone interview with Wet Seal which lasted about thirty minutes. It went really well and I have a second interview on Monday at 3PM.

Rogine and I went to Lakewood Center Mall. I bought an outfit for the interview and Rogine bought a shirt. Then we ate at Kickin Crab in Irvine and then headed back to my aunt's house.

Eventful Day - kind of.

Woke up early after a late night of talking to Fernando. I had to go with my mother to Walnut Creek for her surgical procedure. I had to drive home. I probably should have driven to the place, too, since my mother had failed to mention that the medicine she took while she was driving was the type to make her woozy and extremely high. We almost died. Her perceptions were completely off. Yeah. Very scary.

My mom's procedure was about 5 hours long. I had been told it would only take 2 to 3 hours... But no. 5 hours. So I killed 3.5 hours in downtown Walnut Creek. I ate breakfast at Sunrise Cafe (breakfast burrito and AMAZING peach green tea). Then I walked around and waited for the stores to open. I went to Sephora, Nordstrom, Forever 21, and Barnes and Noble. 

At Sephora, I got blush, a blush brush, eyeliner, and a concealer pencil. I went to Nordstrom to find myself a pair of sunglasses but none of them caught my attention. At Forever 21, I got a pair of black highwaisted zip shorts, a set of rings, and a set of earrings. I lost the matching ring to Nando's promise ring. Yeah. I died a little inside. I walked over to Barnes and Noble wanting to get a really nice planner for the school year... Walked out with two sketchbooks and a book of Grimm fairytales. No regrets.

I headed back to the place where my mom was at around 12:30 and asked if she was ready. The receptionist said it would be another hour and a half. So I sat in the car playing games on my phone and looking at fabrics for my next projects.

My mom got out around 2 and I headed back home, excited for the highly anticipated relaxation time. Boy, was I wrong. I was sent out to do more errands. My mom wanted make up so she sent me to Target and to the Sephora at JC Penny and my dad wanted to make my mom dinner so he sent me to Trader Joe's. 

Got back around 5pm and packed all my stuff in my car since I'll be leaving for SoCal tomorrow morning.

Now I'm really tired.

Until next time,

Anna Prado

Overwhelming

If I walked away right now, maybe life would be so much easier. Not for me, but for you. Nobody to pressure you, fight with you, change you... It'd just be you. Which I think is perfect. You are perfect, no matter what I say or how I act. Just one smile from you, one touch, the sound of your voice, and I can't help but forgive whatever it is that you have or haven't done. You are kindness in physical form, love that I can touch.

My discontent is partially because of me and partially because of you. Me, because I can't ever seem to keep myself from missing you and you for not recognizing that I do miss you. This distance is tearing me apart and in turn tearing us apart.

I can feel the knot in my throat, my stomach is tangled, and my chest is heavy. A feeling I'm way too familiar with. The start of heartbreak. I can feel my heart breaking - slowly, but surely. If I could get myself to cry, I'm sure I would have drained myself of life already.

I keep myself calm for the sake of my parents, myself, and for those who look to us as if we are such a perfect duo. But how long can I do this? How long can I keep my heart kept together and hidden.

Where are you? Why are you so lost to me? I'm so exhausted from missing you. Missing your attention. I'm weary, love. If I could somehow keep your interest for long enough for you to want to talk to me, call me and stay on the phone with me, or try to set up cute little webcam dates, maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much. But here I am, an uninteresting girlfriend.

I'm hurting, and even more so that you don't notice. 

My heart hurts.

New Blog! Kind of?

I'll be creating a new blog page "thing" dedicated primarily for my education and professional development and I'll be titling it very originally: "Educational and Professional Development". I know, I'm too creative. I'll post the link up on the sidebar later, so no need to fret. I just know all of you non-existent readers are just dying to know how I'm trying to establish myself in the professional world... It scares me, no doubt. 

Until next time,

Anna Prado 

Military Significant Other...

That is definitely what I am - a MilSO. Who would have guessed that I would be forced to be okay being thousands of miles away from the love of my life...

SCREW YOU, DISTANCE. I HATE YOU SO MUCH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

And I hardly even get to talk to him because he's so damn tired all the time from all the strenuous physical work he has to do and the lack of sleep he's been getting. 

UGH. JUST... UGH. I MISS YOU, PLEASE TALK TO ME.

It's okay, it's okay. He's doing something with his life, with our life... 

BUT WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DO IT HELLA MILES AWAY?!

I need something to distract me...

EFFIN' WATCHED EVERYTHING ON EFFIN' NETFLIX ALREADY. FUCK.

It's okay, maybe he'll wake up because he'll feel how much i miss him...

YEAH RIGHT, HE CAN'T EVEN FEEL HIS LEGS.

Well then... #shitoutofluck, AMIRITE?!...

Anyway...

Until next time,

Anna Prado